Save Her
by WildCherry45
Summary: AU; Challenge-fic. Haley is spun into a world of sex and alcohol when she blames herself for her brother's death. Nathan tries to help her cope. (NathanHaley)
1. Save Her

  
  
_-Call my name and save me from the dark. Save me from the nothing I've become.-_  
  
She was drunk again.  
  
It really shouldn't have surprised him. After all, he used to be king of the wildest parties. A drunk girl who was begging to be fcked shouldn't have been any big surprise.  
  
But, it was.  
  
Not just because the girl that was drunk just happened to be the girl he cared for but also because this girl mattered. And, this girl used to be innocent. This girl used to be pure. This girl used to be stable until her brother died and caused her downfall.  
  
She blamed herself.  
  
Nathan knew that. On nights when she didn't pass out, she would babble on and on in drunkeness or in a daze of being high about how if she hadn't had let him get on that plane, he would be living. He would be alive and with her and not lying dead, in the ground as a rotting corpse.  
  
And, then, right on time, she would break down and cry. She would cry out the guilt and the self hatred and the pain of being alone in the world because she didn't recognize Nathan as her rock. She merely thought of him as another guy who wanted to screw her and then leave. She trusted him though, oddly enough.  
  
Then again, she trusted all the guys that used her body.  
  
So, it made sense to her that Nathan was no different. She didn't find it weird that he kept coming back and that when he pushed the hair out her face, it wasn't out of lust, but actual care for her. She didn't notice that every time he touched her, he was gentle. She didn't notice that every time he was inside her, a part of him touched her soul.  
  
Because, she thought her soul was dead. Gone. Rotting in hell just like her brother's corpse was rotting in his grave.  
  
Nobody who knew her before would've thought that Haley James, of all people would be in her current position. Her reputation was officially tainted. She was one of those girls at those parties that you look down upon, that you think are beneath you. She was the party slut.  
  
She was the one that you walked away from when they came near you because the mere presence of her was infecting. She was dirty.  
  
Nobody ever cared to look inside her and see the lost little girl, screaming desperately for a guide. Nobody ever cared to reach out a helping hand and help her through the pain. Nobody led her and so she fell down the whirlpool of drugs and alchohol.  
  
Because, when she was intoxicated, it hurt less.  
  
She wasn't a masochist. She didn't like pain. And, so she drank. She did drugs. She slept around.  
  
She was the storybook character of failure. But, before that, she was something more. She was the goody-goody. She was the girl on the path to success. She was the girl nobody ever thought would fall.  
  
Which is why when she did, she fell hard and fast. And nobody reached out to catch her.  
  
Nathan first met her at a random party and Haley by the time he got there, was already hammered. He wouldn't have paid a second glance at her except.. there was something about her that just made his insides melt. Something about the way she talked and carried herself, despite the fact of her being drunk, that made her shine out through the crowd.  
  
Maybe, it was love at first sight. If it was possible, he'd like to think that he was.  
  
Or, maybe, it was just him making the biggest mistake of his life. He went back and forth between the two. Right now, looking down at her passed out body, a sort of innocent glow emitting from her face, he thought it was the first choice.  
  
She didn't love him.  
  
He knew that. When she was sober, she probably didn't even know who he was. She used him.  
  
The first time they were together, it was not perfect. There were no candles, no roses, no soft music. There was rough fucking, passion, and lust. And, after that first taste of her, he was addicted.  
  
Completely and utterly.  
  
That was why he kept coming back, every time, he tried to stop himself, tried to tell himself that she was just another random slut. But, slowly, he found himself wanting to know more and more about her. He knew everything about her body.  
  
He knew what made her moan. He knew what made her toes curl. And, he knew exactly how to drive her over the edge.  
  
But, he didn't know her beliefs. He didn't know her interests. He didn't know her. And, he wanted to. He wanted to be the shoulder she leaned on when she was hurting. He wanted to be her rock, the one that kept her balanced.  
  
But, she didn't seem to see that.  
  
She just thought of him as another one night stand. Another faceless guy who screwed her and left. She didn't want something more.  
  
For once, Nathan actually wanted to help someone instead of himself. He wanted to lose himself in her. He wanted her.  
  
He wanted to save her.  
  
The question was, could he still save her?  
  
Sometimes he would get frustrated and let down. There were times when she would cast her beautiful brown eyes down upon him in confusion, as if she had no clue who he was or why he was doing there. But, there were other times, the times that remained in the forefront of his mind of when she looked at him, her eyes twinkling with momentary happiness.  
  
It was those times that made him happy as well. It was those times that made him believe she was worth it.  
  
And, she had to be because if she wasn't, it was already too late. Because, he was too far fallen to turn back now.  
  
He wanted to possess her. To know everything there was to know about her. He wanted her to open her gates and let him inside. But, she never did. She never let anyone inside, not mentally at least.  
  
That was the one part of her that was protected. Every other aspect, she shared with everyone and anyone. Her mind, that was protected because it was weak, broken, and shattered. There were too many pieces to pick up.  
  
Nathan didn't care. He wanted to help her in any way possible. She would never let him though.  
  
Haley's eyes fluttered open as she looked up at him, confusion and sleep heavy in her voice, "Where am I?"  
  
"In my room," Nathan answered softly. He had found her drunk again at some random guy's party and promptly after finding her, she had fallen into his arms, passed out.  
  
"Hmm," she moaned softly, "I like your room." She smiled at him tiredly, "I like you too."  
  
The words pierced through his heart and he could feel the smile beginning to form on his face, "Shh, just sleep."  
  
"Okay," she whispered before her eyes closed and she drifted off.  
  
He looked down at her and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.  
  
He would save her, if it was the last thing he ever did, he would.  
  
She was worth it.  
  



	2. Broken

  
  
_-I'm in too deep and I'm trying to keep all the blood in my head instead of going under again.-  
_  
Men lied.  
  
It was as simple as that. His words rang over and over again in her mind and Haley couldn't help but be mad.  
  
"I'll never hurt you."  
  
That really pissed her off. I mean, how the hell could he predict the future and just assume that he would never hurt her. He shouldn't have promised her that if he didn't really believe it.  
  
Because, if he did, she wouldn't be here, lying on her bed in a fetal position, feeling as if she were clawing for air.  
  
Refusing to cry, Haley pushed the covers off of herself and jumped off her bed, wiping her smudged mascara and eye shadow off her face as she examined herself in the mirror.  
  
She was a wreck.  
  
Swallowing hard, she threw on a shirt and jeans as she walked into the bathroom, flinching at the bright light. She pushed her mom's makeup out of her way as she leaned down to the sink, splashing her face with cold water, her skin tingling from the chill. She grabbed a towel and wiped her face clean before she stripped off her clothing and stepped into the shower, making the water was extra hot.  
  
She liked it scalding hot because it felt like she could burn the night.. and maybe the rest of her past away. She was dirty and tainted and she didn't like feeling like that.  
  
Especially, if some random guy promised her the world and didn't deliver.  
  
"I'll never hurt you."  
  
Haley snorted in contempt. Yeah, right. Well, she knew he lied because right now, she was hurting. And, it shouldn't have even mattered that much because every time she slept with some guy, he would always promise her dreams and wishes, but as soon as she believed him and gave in, he would take them all away and throw her to the side when he was done with her.  
  
Men were truly sick and evil.  
  
She felt like a whore because she was. Everyone believed she was but she didn't want to feel like she did at the moment.  
  
No one wanted to feel used. No one wanted to feel contaminated. No one wanted to feel pain overtaking their body slowly. No one wanted any of that.  
  
But, yet, there she was, leaning her head against the cold tile of the wall, the scalding water pounding down on her red and sensitive skin. Haley ran her hands over her wet skin and over the bruise marks on her hips from the over eager guy last night.  
  
Who was it anyway?  
  
She didn't even remember. She just remembered his words.  
  
"I'll never hurt you."  
  
Turning off the shower, Haley stepped out, the rush of cold air waking her senses and makin her snap back to reality. She deserved all of this.  
  
This was her punishment on many levels. She brought this whole thing onto herself. She was the one that chose to sleep with random, scummy guys. She was the one who berated herself every morning. She was the one that felt the guilt.  
  
She was the one that killed her brother.  
  
Haley gasped loudly as she sat down on the toilet, her body weak and shaking. She was the one that didn't stop him when she could've. She was the one that could've kept him living.  
  
But, she didn't.  
  
And, it was all her fault. The tears slipped from her eyes and Haley felt them stinging her cheeks as the slid down her skin. Wiping them away, Haley clothed herself as she touched her bruises gingerly.  
  
She hated it when they left marks.  
  
It was so much easier to forget if they just fucked her, left, without any trace. She had already given up the hope of one of them actually staying because they never did.  
  
Why would they want to?

--  
  
"Haley?" Nathan walked up to her locker and touched her gently on her shoulder.  
  
She turned around, surprised that someone would actually speak to her in school. That would only ruin their reputation. After all, she was the school slut. Nobody wanted to be seen with the school slut during daylight hours. During night, everyone wanted her.  
  
It was almost funny how two faced human beings were.  
  
"Yeah?" He looked vaguely familiar and Haley finally coined him in her mind. He was that star basketball player, the one who threw all the parties. Had she ever slept with him before? Haley shrugged mentally, probably. But, why was he talking to her?  
  
"I called you last night," Nathan said, looking into her eyes, as if he was striving and wanting more from her.  
  
"You did?" She looked at him puzzled, "We talk?"  
  
Now, the confusion was on him. "Well, yeah. I mean, we're practically-" he paused, "Do you even know who I am?"  
  
"Nick, right?" She stopped herself. That was his name. Damn, all she knew was that his last name was Scott. Or... at least, she thought it was.  
  
"Nathan," he said shortly, correcting her as pain entered his eyes.  
  
"My bad," she said apologetically, "Well, Nathan, this has been umm, fun but I gotta go. First period calls."  
  
"Wait," he grabbed onto her arm and asked, his voice, strained, "You really don't remember?"  
  
"Remember what?"  
  
Seeing the truth in her eyes, he let her go and sighed, "Never mind. See you later, Haley."  
  
"Bye, Nathan."  
  
Watching her walk away, Nathan felt his heart sink. It was too good to be true. He knew it. She didn't even remember who he was, when she was sober.  
  
She didn't even remember that she professed her love for him.

--  
  
Nathan watched her carefully as Haley danced her way around Tim's living room, drunkenly. He knew she was hammered and while before, he would've walked up to her and save her from embarrassment, right now, he was too hurt.  
  
He didn't want to feel any more pain then he already did. But, he knew that if he walked up to her, she would charm him with her drunken words and like an idiot, he would fall for them and the whole harsh cycle would begin, all over again.  
  
He didn't want to hurt. No one did.  
  
But, he couldn't stop himself from walking up to her. He didn't touch her. He simply stood right in the back of her, waiting for her to respond.  
  
She turned around, laughing and grinning, losing her balance but Nathan caught her and reestablished her balance.  
  
"Hey," she looked up at him, "Natey!"  
  
He flinched at the nickname she had bestowed upon him before dragging her off the dance floor.  
  
"I'll get you home," he said flatly, trying his best to not involve himself emotionally any more then he already had.  
  
"Aww, but I don't wanna go home yet," she said coyly, "Why don't we go upstairs and have some fun?"  
  
He felt his throat clench up as he tried his best to restrain himself, "We have to go."  
  
She pushed him hard against the front door and sidled up to him, "No, we don't." Finding her way to the stairs, she led him up the stairs, surprising him with her balance.  
  
Even drunk, when she wanted something, she would get it.  
  
"Haley, stop it," Nathan said as the entered the room.  
  
She giggled, "Oh, come on," she drawled, "Nathan. You know you want to do this. If you didn't, we wouldn't be up here." She grinned and fell back onto the bed with a drunken 'oomph'. "Come on, baby."  
  
Nathan locked the door and took off his shirt slowly.  
  
Haley cooed in excitement as she clapped her hands together happily, "Yum," she walked up to him, swaying slightly before she brought his lips down to hers, their bodies crashing with passion. She stumbled back onto the bed, bringing him down with her as she broke away, gasping for breath. "Yum," she said again as she nipped at his ear.  
  
He lost himself in her kisses as he tried his best to push his conscience away. He could do this. He could be just like any other guy, fuck her and then leave. After all, it was what she wanted, right? She didn't want someone to love her. She didn't want an actual relationship.  
  
She just wanted a fuck buddy. And, that was all he was to her. Someone to screw.  
  
If only he felt the same way. Backing away, he stopped her, "I can't do this."  
  
She whimpered before pouting, "Come on, babe, I want to do this."  
  
"I know you do and I do too but I can't," he shook his head, "You won't even remember this."  
  
She stood up, wavering slightly, "Yes, I will. I always remember," she said slowly, before giggling from drunkeness, "Everybody just thinks I don't."  
  
He walked up to her, his face intense, "Really? You do. Then why don't you ever remember me?"  
  
She slid her hand down his cheek slowly, "So passionate and so intense. How could I forget?"  
  
"Did you mean it?" He asked, ignoring her touch, "Tell me."  
  
She giggled before falling back onto the bed, "So wanting. You need me," she put her hand on her forehead, "You need me."  
  
Steeling himself from her words he said quietly, "I have to leave."  
  
"Don't leave, Natey, stay from some fun."  
  
"I can't do this anymore. Whatever this was, it's over," he said, his jaw tightening.  
  
Her body snapped up as she crawled off the bed, "Don't leave," she said, her eyes watering, "They always leave. Not you too."  
  
"Yes, me too."  
  
"Don't," she said, pouting, "Please?"  
  
"I can't do this anymore. I keep thinking I can save you," he walked up to her and kissed her softly, "but, I can't. I'm not strong enough."  
  
She pulled back, looking at him confused.  
  
"I can't keep hurting myself and you." He kissed her on the cheek, "I would never hurt you on purpose."  
  
The words sending off a trigger in her body, she immediately sobered and pushed him away, seething, "Don't tell me that."  
  
"What?" He looked at her, confused.  
  
"They always tell me that. They always tell me they won't hurt me but they do," she said, sobbing hysterically, "They always do."  
  
"Haley, I-" he moved forward, not knowing what else to do.  
  
"Stay away from me," she said, her raw pain obvious in her voice.  
  
He looked at her, confused and hurting as well. Walking slowly up to her shaking body, he touched her gently and for once, he saw the true her. He saw her, away from pills, away from liquor, away from the drugs that so often tainted her body. He saw through to the real her.  
  
And, it shocked him. She had never revealed herself ever before.  
  
"Don't touch me," she said, her voice sounding like a 5-year-old's.  
  
It scared him. He kneeled down next to her on the floor but she only backed away into the wall even further.  
  
"Haley, I don't-"  
  
"Please, don't touch me." She begged softly, "Don't hurt me. I don't think I can take it anymore," she whispered, "I can't. No more pain."  
  
He leaned in and hugged her, making sure not to hurt her, "Okay, no more pain."  
  
"No more," she said softly as she hugged him tighter.  
  
He didn't save her. Not yet, at least.  
  
But, it was a start.


	3. Halo

  
  
_-You cast your demons out and not to pull your halo down around your neck and tug you off your cloud, but I'm more than just curious, how you're planning to go about making your amends to the dead. Recall the deeds as if they're all someone else's, atrocious stories. Now you stand reborn before us all, so glad to see you well, overcome and completely silent now.-  
_  
She stopped drinking.  
  
Nathan supposed that was a good thing. But, when she stopped drinking, taking drugs, and pills. She seemed to just stop altogether.  
  
She stopped talking. She stopped feeling. She stopped caring. She stopped living.  
  
While nobody would consider her life before actually living, she still went on. Though not in the best way possible, losing herself in alchohol and drugs, she still clung on to something, a piece of humanity.  
  
Now, it was all gone. She just... stopped.  
  
And, it killed him inside because it was because of him. He promised her he would make the pain stop inside but he didn't. She did.  
  
She made the pain stop. She did it by making herself stop, she shut herself down.  
  
Nathan didn't think that was possible for someone to just do that. To just stop feeling so suddenly but Haley was already on edge before this. She was already so close to giving up but she held on, to what, he didn't know.  
  
And, now, seeing her walk down the hallways, arms hanging limply at her sides, her face sallow and pale, he felt remorse. The effects of guilt were taking it's toll on her. Utterly and completely.  
  
Before, she pushed the guilt and pain away with temporary releases, sex, drugs, and alchohol. It made the pain stop but it also built up more and more of it. And, now, that she stopped, it all hit her at once.  
  
She didn't seem to care though.  
  
She walked down the hallways, her eyes staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. The gaze seemed to go straight through him, piercing through his soul and through his heart, all the way to the opposite wall.  
  
She passed him. He wanted to speak, to say something, anything to her. To help her snap out of whatever stage she was in but he couldn't.  
  
He was scared. He didn't know how to handle girls who were like this. He could handle crying, drunk girls but he couldn't handle someone who had completely shut down. The lack of reciprocation was something he could never deal with. The stoney composure reminded him too much of his father.  
  
He still wanted to save her. He made a promise to himself and her that he would save her. The only question now was how and was he even strong enough? He honestly didn't know and at this point, he was scared to even fathom the answer.  
  
He couldn't fail. If he chose to put himself in that comprimising position to help Haley, he couldn't fail. Not again. Not like he did last time.  
  
After all, this was his fault. She went from being a girl in denial to being a girl in a numb and cold world.  
  
Right now, Nathan wasn't sure which one was worse.  
  
Probably the latter, the one she was in right now. And, he pushed her there. He pushed her over the edge. He pushed her into a mental breakdown and into the cold and confined position she was in now.  
  
This was his fault.

--  
  
"Someone's here for you, Haley."  
  
Haley didn't move. She merely stayed there on her bed, lying on her back, staring up at the ceiling, a glassy film over her eyes.  
  
She heard his voice. His soft, rich, and relaxing voice that used to soothe her nightmares echoed through the room. She didn't quite catch his words, all she focused on was his voice. She used to relish in that sound, especially the way he said her name.  
  
He pronounced it correctly and said it like everyone else but it was just the way it sounded to ears. It made her feel different and special. She liked that.  
  
Feeling the bed sink down by her legs, she clenched her fists together, ready for him to touch her, take her clothes off, have his way with her and then leave. After all, isn't that what they all did?  
  
She slowly closed her eyes, forcing herself to fall back further into her mind, away from Nathan, away from her house, away from all of it. In the small place in her mind, no one could hurt her. She was happy. She was still with her brother.  
  
There, no apologies were needed. There, perfection was acquired. There, she was happy. And safe.  
  
Jolted into reality, Haley's eyes shot open as she felt Nathan shaking her, his eyes filled with worry.  
  
"Haley!"  
  
She looked up at him, cocking her head to the side, her lips forming a tight line.  
  
His fingers dug into her skin as she saw his jaw tigthen. Examining him, a fleeting thought of why he was here passed through her mind but quickly faded away as she focused on getting back to her place of solace and peace.  
  
She didn't like this world she was in. It was harsh and it hurt. Her own world was so much better.  
  
Nothing hurt there.  
  
"Haley, what's happening to you?"  
  
She felt the tears spring up in her eyes and wondered for the reason behind them. Why did she care so much that Nathan cared about her? He was just another guy that was trying to fool her into something that wasn't true. She was smarter now, she was beginning to catch on.  
  
Yet, that voice and the expression on his face told her heart differently.  
  
But, she didn't listen.  
  
Her heart was dead, cold, and numb. Just like her soul.  
  
She closed her eyes again but was abruptly interrupted by Nathan who looked straight into her eyes, asking, "Haley, what are you doing to yourself?"  
  
Her expression was blank as she gave him no answer.  
  
"What have I done to you?" He whispered softly in horror.  
  
She closed her eyes again and placed her hand on his, hoping it would give him some sort of reassurance he obviously needed. Maybe then, he would leave and she could go back.  
  
She wanted to go back.  
  
He looked down at her hand upon his and held onto it tightly, thinking it was a sign of hope. He kissed her knuckles gently and whispered into her ear, "I'll be here for you. I won't leave."  
  
Haley's eyes shot open at his words as she suddenly pulled her hand back, the intimacy in his words piercing through the wall she had so desperately put up.  
  
"Why?" She whispered hoarsely.  
  
It was the first time she had spoken that day.  
  
Smiling at the response he managed to get from her, he asked in return, "Why what?"  
  
"Why do I matter?" She asked before looking up at her ceiling, "Why does anything matter? It's so much easier not to care. To not let it matter." She whispered numbly, "It doesn't hurt that way."  
  
"I won't let you do this to yourself," Nathan touched her shoulder gently, "This won't help you."  
  
"How would you know?" She asked, a bit of anger tinting her voice.  
  
"I don't," he answered honestly, "I can't even begin to know how much pain you're in right now but I can tell you, ignoring it isn't going to help. It'll just bring more pain."  
  
She shook her head ruefully, "So, you're just going to tell me to deal with it?" A little more life came into her voice, "That some day I'll forget the pain and move on?"  
  
"No," he said quietly, "You won't. You won't forget the pain. And, truthfully, things won't get better because you'll always remember."  
  
Haley stared at him tearfully, visibly shaking.  
  
He chose his next words carefully, "You shouldn't forget. You shouldn't try to push it away and hope that it will disappear into the background because it won't, becauses your brother meant that much to you," he said softly, "You shouldn't shut down though. You need to go on living."  
  
Haley was quiet for a few moments before she looked down and fiddled with her fingers, "It seems so unfair. That I'm here on this earth, still alive, just barely but alive, breathing, living to some extent. And, he's gone," her voice was filled with realization as she looked up at Nathan, the tears spilling over, "He's really gone."  
  
Haley leaned the side of her head onto Nathan's shoulder as she sobbed quietly, her hands clawing desperately to his chest. She sobbed violently, letting all the pain, all the misery, and all the pent up emotion she had kept inside.  
  
She cried until she could cry no more. Until there were no tears left. And until, she had no more energy.  
  
"Why are you doing this for me?" She asked quietly as she leaned on him still.  
  
"I don't know," he answered honestly, caressing her hair gently.  
  
"Aren't you supposed to profess your love for me now?" She asked quietly.  
  
"Maybe," he whispered into her hair, "Or promise you forever and tell you that I'll never leave your side."  
  
"Empty promises lead to broken dreams," Haley said as she closed her eyes, her hand in Nathan's.  
  
"Which is why I'm not doing any of it."  
  
She looked up at him, slightly surprised, "I'm weak."  
  
"And, I'm not taking advantage."  
  
Haley simply stared at him, not saying a word as her fingertips gently traced the outline of his lips. "You're passionate," she said softly before her fingertips travelled down to his adam's apple and then down his neck, "And, rash. You're bold, controlling," her hands moved to the back of his ear, "And manipulative." Pulling his head down gently towards her, she nipped at his lips, hoping to gauge some sort of reaction, "Why are you acting different around me?" She pushedd her lips onto his hard and broke the kiss, pulling back, panting, "I'm not fragile."  
  
"You said it yourself, you're weak."  
  
"I am," she said strongly, "But, I can take it."  
  
"I don't want you to 'take it'," he said as he kissed the side of her face softly, givng her butterfly kisses all the way down her neck, "I don't want to force anything onto you anymore. You've had enough of that." He looked into her eyes and kissed her softly on the lips. Haley found herself returning the kiss before smacking her lips together with a satisfied moan when he pulled back.  
  
"I told you, I'm not taking advantage."  
  
She studied him for a moment before she said softly, "I don't love you."  
  
His eyes flashed with pain before he swallowed hard, "I know."  
  
"I don't even know if I'm capable of love anymore," she said honestly before caressing the side of his face.  
  
He leaned into the touch and closed his eyes, "I'm still here."  
  
"You're a fool," she said, a small laugh escaping her lips, "For putting so much hope in something you don't even know will last."  
  
Nathan shrugged before kissing her softly, "I'm rash," he kissed her neck, "And bold," he kissed her cheek, "And passionate," he pulled back, smiling, "Remember?"  
  
She nodded, "I could get used to that."


	4. Awakening

  
  
A day.  
  
Haley gave it a day before the rumors started flying. What was it going to be this time? That she begged Nathan into 'saving her'. That she promised him sex all the time in return for making her his girlfriend. That she was just a project or maybe a bet or maybe someone paid him to do it.  
  
Haley didn't know. Those damn high schoolers could get pretty vicious and creative when they wanted to and that should've worried her... but she didn't care.  
  
They were ignorant. It was as simple as that. They had no idea half the sht she had been through and they had no right to judge her or speak badly of her because if they were in her position, what would they have done? Probably break down even further.  
  
She knew she didn't make the best of choices in the past but she made them, that was that. There was no going back and changing it. She accepted that now. She accepted that the past was the past and that she had to move on.  
  
Nathan helped her with that.  
  
It just made her slightly pissed off that some people, with their holier- than-thou attitude would have the audacity to speak of her like they were better then her. They weren't. They just thought they were. It really was pitiful.  
  
Haley walked down the hallways with a raised head, her facade of confidence lasting even as she heard the murmured whispers behind her back. She had been so tired of being weak and giving in. After spending most of her weekend in Nathan's arms, he made her realize so much but she was still raw. She was still vulnerable.  
  
And, so, she put up a cold mask. One that guaranteed she would not get hurt by outsiders.  
  
"Whore," Haley almost flinched at the comment someone made as they walked by. She balled her fingers into a fist as she unloaded her books and grabbed the things that she needed.  
  
A nearby conversation drifted her way and from the first words, Haley already knew who they were talking about.  
  
"Her?" A girl asked, not even bothering to hide her disgust. "That's just.. ughh."  
  
"Oh, I know. He deserves so much better," the other girl said with a flip of her hair, "I mean, Haley James? Come on."  
  
"You know, she probably begged him and he just felt sorry for her. I mean, why else would he actually want to date her?" The first girl asked as she eyed Haley with a sharp eye.  
  
"He did, it's so obvious that he just felt pity for her. She probably pulled the 'Oh-my-god, feel sorry for me because my brother died' card on him. I mean, god, it's been like what? 2 years. Get. Over. It."  
  
Haley could take no more. She felt her wall crashing down as she slammed her locker shut, rushing through the hallways.  
  
They wanted her to hear. She knew that. They wanted to get to her. They wanted to make her cry. And, there she was, giving them exactly what they wanted but she couldn't help it.  
  
How could they....  
  
They couldn't possibly be in high school. They couldn't possibly have had a soul or a conscience because to speak of somebody, anybody, like that was beyond cruel. It was beyond just plain vicious.  
  
Haley rushed into her first period class, grateful that no one was there yet as she broke down into her seat, the sobs wracking her body. She couldn't do this.  
  
It was so much easier to hide before. Everyone always refused to look her in the eye because they were scared that with a simple glance, their reputation would be tainted. And, then, Nathan came. And, he wanted to help her. He wanted to love her.  
  
But, she couldn't do it. She couldn't go through something like this. She couldn't handle any more pain and any more whispers behind her back. She had already been through that when her brother passed away and when she first started sleeping around. It was so much easier to ignore them back them, she had nothing to care for, nothing to really hold on for.  
  
Now, she had Nathan. And, she had to hold on for him but she couldn't. She wasn't strong. And, she couldn't handle the pain. She didn't want anymore pain.  
  
Wiping the tears away, Haley pushed down the hurt inside her and got up, walking to the bathroom. Splashing some cold water on herself, she wiped the drops away. When she opened her eyes, she was surprised to see no one other then Brooke Davis, staring right at her.  
  
Brooke raised an eyebrow and handed her a pencil, "Eye liner. You probably want to fix yours."  
  
Haley nodded thankfully and applied it carefully before she sniffled and gave it back to her.  
  
"So, I hear you're dating Nathan."  
  
Her face fell as she realized what Brooke was going to do. She was cornered and there was no where to run.  
  
Brooke smiled before she said, "I'm not gonna start dissing you. Remember, my reputation is similiar to yours."  
  
"Except people respect you," Haley said quietly.  
  
"No, they really don't," Brooke said simply before she shrugged, "They're just scared cuz they know I can make their lives a living hell."  
  
Haley looked surprised at Brooke's revealing statement, "What's your point?"  
  
"My point is, chicks like us, we've gotta stick together," Brooke laughed lightly, "Okay, cheesy but it gets the point across. Nathan's my bud and I can tell he has a major thing for you. I don't like seeing people messing around with people he cares about. So, I'm here to offer you a little piece of advice. I know it'll hurt, what they say. Don't let it get to you because you know what? They're jealous. When you're around them, throw it back in their face. When they see that there's no point in saying sht, they'll stop." Brooke flashed her a smile, "And, it'll stop."  
  
"Easier said then done," Haley said softly as she leaned against the wall, sighing deeply.  
  
"Hey, well, if they start saying crap around me, I'll be sure to set them straight."  
  
Haley raised an eyebrow, surprised, "You don't even know me."  
  
"But, I know Nathan. He's my best guy friend and well, you know the rest," Brooke grinned before she handed her some lip gloss, "Put some on, it's Marshmellow Yum Cake. My fave. It always makes me feel better."  
  
Haley cracked a smile at Brooke's comment, "It's just lip gloss."  
  
Brooke shrugged and put the lip gloss back in her purse when Haley was done with it, "It's more then just lip gloss. Later." And, with a tinkle wave, she was gone, leaving Haley standing in the bathroom, mulling over what had just happened.

--  
  
Nathan didn't notice anything. At least, not at first. Everything seemed as normal as possible, he was used to people staring at him, but this time, instead of looks of envy, it was looks of confusion and the occasional smile, as if they knew something that really wasn't there.  
  
Walking to his locker, he opened it and stuffed his things in before he grabbed a few books and notebooks, a conversation travelling over to him. He didn't want to listen but as soon as th name, Haley James, was mentioned, his attentions piqued.  
  
"Oh, I know. He deserves so much better. I mean, Haley James? Come on."  
  
"You know, she probably begged him and he just felt sorry for her. I mean, why else would he actually want to date her?"  
  
"He did, it's so obvious that he just felt pity for her. She probably pulled the 'Oh-my-god, feel sorry for me because my brother died' card on him. I mean, god, it's been like what? 2 years. Get. Over. It."  
  
Anger flamed in his eyes as Nathan made his way over to the girls, not even noticing Haley rushing off to her first period class. He stood in front of them, his eyes cold, his posture dominating and the girls immediately stopped talking.  
  
The first girl, looking up at him nervously stuttered, "H-H-Hey Nathan."  
  
Nathan looked at them intensely, "Do you know me?"  
  
The second girl laughed nervously before she said, "Well, duh, everyone knows you."  
  
"No, I mean do you know me?"  
  
She paused before shaking her head, "No."  
  
"Right, and you don't know Haley either. So, next time, you have the sudden urge to talk about us like you do know us, don't," He walked away, throwing out behind him, "You'll regret it."  
  
The first girl snorted before rolling her eyes, "Oh my god, I can't believe he just did that." She bit the inside of her cheek, "I mean, come on, why would you defend that piece of-"  
  
"It doesn't matter," the second girl said with a small nervous laugh, "Who cares about them?"

--  
  
Brooke almost ran into Nathan as he walked past the bathroom, his eyes dark with anger. "Whoa, tiger, watch where you're going there."  
  
"Brooke," his tone softened a bit as he greeted her, "Hey."  
  
"Rough day?" She asked, her eyes focusing in on the tenseness of his body.  
  
"I'll deal."  
  
"Right," she said quietly, "I don't think your girlfriend will."  
  
"Haley?" His eyes immediatley showed worry, "What happened-"  
  
"Don't worry," Brooke said reassuringly, "I just did some damage control but she needs you."  
  
"Where is she?"  
  
"In there," she nodded towards the bathroom. Before she even finished her sentence, he was already rushing inside, handing his books to her. Smiling, Brooke sighed, "You're welcome."

--  
  
"Haley?" Nathan asked quietly as he walked into the bathroom, the fact that he was in the girl's bathroom never even running across his mind. Haley needed him, that was all that mattered.  
  
She bit her lip as she heard the sound of his soothing voice. She loved the way he said her name...  
  
Getting up off the ground, Haley straightened out her clothes, making sure she looked presentable. "Hey," she whispered before she came out of her corner, walking towards him.  
  
Immediately enveloping her in a hug, Nathan rested his cheek against the top of her head, rubbing small circles on the revealed skin of her arms, wishing to rub away the pain and hurt that was trapped in her petite body.  
  
She hugged him tighter and Nathan could feel the drops of tears escaping from her eyes and onto his shirt. He didn't care.  
  
The bell rang, signalling the students that there was only 5 minutes left before class started but they both remained there, unmoving, afraid to penetrate the silence.  
  
They were both at peace now, momentarily but at peace nonetheless. Haley tightened her hold on Nathan's waist as another wave of sobs wracked through her body. She looked up at him with teary eyes, her gaze speaking more then her words could.  
  
And, he nodded, understanding her pain and understanding her fear. She was so lost and so broken. He wanted to help her and she was willing but it was so hard. This path was long, winding, and dark. If there was even an end, neither of them knew.  
  
Nathan let out a sigh as he gently brushed the tears away from her face, kissing the stains that they left on her cheeks. He gently pushed the hair out of her face as he leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips.  
  
She didn't respond at first, almost as if she was scared. But, as the kiss grew more passionate, so did she and by the end, the tips of her fingers were pushing against his chest, wanting more from him, craving more. She needed him so desperately now and if left here.. she didn't even want to think of the consequences.  
  
Gasping for air, Haley leaned her forehead against his as she held onto him tighter. "Don't leave me."  
  
"I won't."  
  
The bell rang again.  
  
Neither noticed.


	5. The Reason

_-I'm not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn't do but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I've found a reason for me. To change who I used to be, a reason to start over new. And the reason is you.-_  
  
The window was cool to the touch.  
  
Her fingers slid down the glass gently, barely touching. The heat radiating from her fingertips forming a clear trail on the window. Haley James' glassy eyes stared off outside as she traced a few nonsensical words on the window, her mind travelling elsewhere.  
  
It had been 5 months since she and Nathan had started dating. 5 months since she cracked down in the girl's bathroom with Nathan there to pick up the pieces. 5 months since she began talking more, opening herself up more.  
  
She began to live again.  
  
And, it was because of him. Haley's hand dropped slowly as she broke her gaze away from the outside world, a soft pressure on her right shoulder bringing her back to reality. She looked up at Nathan's caring eyes and gave him a small smile, reassuring him of the words she could not yet utter.  
  
Haley stood up and looked down at her apparel, asking softly, "Do you think he'll like it?"  
  
"You look beautiful," Nathan murmured as he held her in a tight hug.  
  
She leaned into his touch and sighed heavily, "I don't know if I can go. It's been so long since I visited him."  
  
"It's okay," he whispered into her ear as he squeezed her petite body in reassurance. "I'll be with you."  
  
Haley nodded nervously and followed him down the stairs. She couldn't do this. She couldn't visit him, not after so long. Not after two years with no word, only having him in her thoughts. Did he know? Did he know that she still thought about him? That she still regretted every single thing she did before 'it' happened? That she would give up her own life for him to be on this earth, living again? The tears stung her eyes as Haley resisted the urge to cry. She had to be strong. She had to be.  
  
But, she couldn't.  
  
The tingles began to creep up her spine as she suddenly found it hard to breathe. The air escaped from her lungs as she clutched onto the railing of the stairs tightly, her knuckles turning white from the intensity of the grip. She collapsed onto the steps as she started breathing heavily.  
  
Nathan was at her side in an instant, taking her hands in his own as he rocked them gently, "Breathe, Haley, breathe."  
  
"I-I can't d-do this," she stuttered finally, shaking her head firmly, "I can't go back. Not after what I did."  
  
"Haley," Nathan said strongly, looking her in the eye, "You can."  
  
"It's been so long," she whispered hoarsely.  
  
"And, it's time for you to face it."  
  
She sniffled slightly before she rested her head on his shoulder, "Do you know what the last thing I said to him was?"  
  
Nathan waited patiently for her to continue.  
  
Haley closed her eyes tightly as the words slipped from her mouth. "I hate you." It was like poison, sliding out of her mouth like a venom that killed on contact. She bit her lower lip hard as she shook her head furiously, "I don't deserve to go there."  
  
"Haley," Nathan said as he rubbed her back gently, "You don't hate him. He knows that."  
  
"I don't deserve to go," she repeated again, her eyes sparkling with tears.  
  
"Yes, you do. You deserve to go and you deserve to make your amends."  
  
Haley leaned back slightly on the steps as she took in a deep sigh, "Do you think he's forgiven me?"  
  
"There's nothing to forgive," Nathan replied honestly, "You did nothing wrong."  
  
She laughed bitterly, "You don't know that."  
  
"I do," he said surely, "And you do too."  
  
Haley looked away from his gaze uncomfortably and they remained silent for a few moments before she finally nodded, whispering, "Let's go."

--  
  
The car ride there was silent. The type of silence that hung in the air, saying nothing yet piercing everyone's ear drums with the noise. Haley leaned the side of her head against the window, her lips pursed together in a tight line. Her left hand fell against her seat cushion and soon, she felt a slight pressure on it. Snapping her eyes open, she saw Nathan's hand on top of hers, telling her all that he could not say.  
  
A small smile crept onto her lips as she squeezed his hand, replying silently.  
  
Haley stepped tenatively onto the grass, the soil soft yet firm under her feet. She leaned into Nathan's body as her hands clutched onto the bouquet of flowers. She looked up at the sky, her brown eyes taking in the sky above. The clouds were slowly forming together, blocking the sunshine from the view of those below.  
  
The nervousness slowly crept up her throat before she pushed it back down quickly. She had to do this.  
  
One step. Two steps. Three. Four.  
  
Soon, she was at her destination. She looked down at the headstone, her brother's name etched in gold. Haley knelt down, her fingers tracing over the date, the name, and the small phrase dedicated just to him. The sadness swept over her, flooding her senses with pain as she pushed harder against the smooth stone. A choking sob escaped from her lips as the tears formed in her eyes, blinding her sight.  
  
She felt Nathan move in the background though he did not touch her. He couldn't be here for her now. She had to do this alone.  
  
Haley latched onto the stem of the flowers, looking down at the white caranations. A small laugh escaped her lips as she said, "You probably hate me for bringing you flowers. You hate carnations," she shrugged, "Too girly for you. At least they're not roses," she said softly, "I didn't know what else to get. I wasn't even thinking when I bought these." She shook her head as she squeezed her eyes shut tightly, the tears slipping down her cheeks. "I had to bring something though, it's formality, right? And, besides, it's also kind of an apology. I hope you're not mad. It was wrong of me to not come here more often," she looked away ashamed, "Or at all. Every time mom or dad wanted to come, they'd never ask me. They knew I knew. But, I wasn't ready yet." She cocked her head to the side, her voice getting softer, "You know? It didn't feel right." She scoffed at herself, "I know I'm making up excuses for my cowardness and I'm sorry for that."  
  
She traced his name with her forefinger, whispering, "Do you still remember me? I still remember you. It's like you're burned into my memory. I remember the way you'd always eat the creme of the Oreo cookies or the way you'd steal my crackers from my lunchbox. Mom never gave you enough," she laughed lightly, "I remember your smile. You had a beautiful smile," Looking down, she sighed, "I remember the blue of your eyes and how they got darker whenever you were in deep thought or were really upset." A cold settled over her body as she whispered hoarsely, "That's the way they were when you left. After what I said," she added quickly, "I didn't mean it. I hope you know that." Haley sighed, "I could never hate you."  
  
Swallowing hard, Haley looked back at Nathan, smiling when she saw the intensity in his eyes, "I met someone. I'm kind of glad you're not here to beat him up or threaten to kill him if he hurt me. I know he won't." Her shoulders dropped as she sighed, "He loves me. He thinks I just care for him but he's wrong. It's beyond that." She looked back at the headstone and smiled, "You know what that's like."  
  
She brought her fingertips up to her lips as she kissed them softly, then placing her fingers on the stone, whispering, "I miss you." She put the flowers gently on the ground. She stood up and looked down at the grave once again before she turned around, wrapping her arm around Nathan's waist, leaning into his touch.  
  
With a whispered 'thank you', the two walked back to the car as the clouds above parted, the sunshine pouring through the dimness of the past.


End file.
